i already hear my dad disowning me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize