Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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