Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
