I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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