I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
