he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
