Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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