My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
