long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
