remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
