and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
