i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
