Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
