I'm eating all of the evidence.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
