do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
