Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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