eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
