threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize