She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
