That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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