tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
