Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
