weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
