2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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