Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
