If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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