You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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