It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
