That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
