I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
