She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
