true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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