Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
