8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
