you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
