you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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