My room smells like vodka and shame
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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