first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
