You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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