Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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