the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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