I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
they're like a gay fantastic four
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
