I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
