I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize