Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
