I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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