doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you had me at cake vodka
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
