dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
