I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
