he told me I talked like a deaf person
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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