If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
as a side note pls kill me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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