Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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