and you said cock pushups were impossible
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
