I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
