so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
