your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
