Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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