i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
