How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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