happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I forget how to act sober
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