Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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