My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
