I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
