I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
